Cherished Memoir

The Forgotten Dreamer I Love

When I was finished with college, I was invited to a close family friend’s party and I didn’t think anything of it other than just celebrate and try to have a good time. When I invited you, I didn’t think anything of it…or maybe I did… My friend’s house was close by since she was a neighbor that I used to babysit quite long ago and it did seem pretty far from where you lived. From the text message conversations we had, I think you were having a rough time emotionally with a break up and I thought hey, come out to a party so you can feel better. I think that’s how it was…

I remember that you did come. And I was happy then that you did. But I was surprised that you did travel all that way since the commute did take sometime…

When you came, you wore a grey shirt and that is all I remember with the clothes you wore. It was nice to see you and I was happy that you were mingling with my friend’s friends and family. Maybe it would help get your mind off of the situation. You were a great friend and you didn’t deserve to be that sad…In the party, I don’t remember if I kept watch on you with the side of my eye but I think I was wondering if you were enjoying your time. The reasons why I invited you is not so clear other than to make you feel better, but something about it made it seem something more…Maybe it was to help find someone for you. Maybe it was to help you emotionally before you departed to the armed forces the next day. Maybe it was to help ease the tension of new beginnings. Maybe it would be the last I saw of you so I needed to invite you..I’m not so sure. I just knew you could and had to be there…

One thing that came to mind was the next moment…

It was really late at night. A few of us ended up sitting on my friend’s front lawn. It’s like we could be looking at the stars or just possibly the sky above but I don’t think there was much to look at..not that I remember much about the sky that night. The glowing of the church lights in front, were so orangely bright that it brought about a glow of some sort that made it seem so dreamy. I sat next to some random guy I think but then I looked to my left…and you were right there..you were sitting on my left.. You seemed so dazed. So sad. So dreamy. You seemed maybe off in somewhere far away land in your mind possibly. But I thought and wondered who is it that you would be once you came back from your journeys as an armed force man. My thoughts kept wandering while looking at you. I’m not sure why. I thought so far ahead every time I looked at you. Where would you go? Where would you end up? How strong you would become? Who would you be? Who would you end up with? I don’t know why I thought those things. But one thing was certain..I had feelings for you. That probably was my certainty that night…You had to experience and I had to let you go…

I wondered if I would see you after you left and you would come back. I wondered if I’d be the same person once I found a job and lived some life. I wondered if you would finally be happy in a place where you would be strong and serve the country in the best way that you could. I did wonder what it was like if we did get together. If we got married, had kids, had a nice house, had a nice dog. I’m not sure why my thoughts went so far ahead every single time you were around…

But I knew, I wanted to see you at some point during or after you were done.

Those were the thoughts that one night, but there were many more previously which I will describe another time… I don’t know why I pondered on you so much compared to other guys which I barely did. Something about you was so captivating. Maybe it was your resilience to hardship and pain while you gave a stern face at times… It made me feel curious about you.

You felt the grass between your fingers and then you leaned back looking at the church ahead while sitting on the lawn. Your eyes were so drawn to what was ahead that it seemed like you were staring into a far away land and space making it seem you were not actually there. I wondered about you then. I’m not sure why. But I was glad you sat next to me and somewhat close enough for me to gaze at you.

From then, I felt a bit of pondering that night once people started to leave the party. I wondered if this night would mean something to me. And I think it did..it possibly did. It was the last time I saw of the boy who dreamed. Who gazed far ahead of him thinking maybe there was something better out there for him. But I still do think and still do love him. Thank you.

Acceptance

I’ve learned that you have to come to terms with your situation. There has to be a couple things to help you out. If there are no known or distinguishable support to help you out, you have to search, search, and search. You just do. The risk is all the best. Your mind is all what your personality is. It is you. What goes on your mind can be a limit but if you do as it is, you will fulfill you as who you are.

My NYC Life: Rhapsody in Blue

I love this segment of Fantasia 2000 where you can see New York City as a cartoon. The life I have in New York has been portrayed so well in this movie, the little parts here and there… It portrays New York City crowds well, especially on the streets and the subway. The milkman no longer exists in this century but having to be in a rush to work happens for sure in the morning. People have the hustle and bustle of going to work, to and fro..but then you may never know the story of others who are unemployed and just passing by the time doing something like drinking a coffee or taking a walk on the street with no destination to go… The privileged have many opportunities to do many activities to what suits their time and hobbies. You yearn for so much more sometimes in the city like a breath of fresh air, happiness, or freedom. The city life can be exhausting, tiring, and stressful. You take a second and then the many oh what if’s run through your mind and you begin to imagine the better of an imagined time…The opportunities run adrift in your mind and possibilities, then bam..back to reality and back to the New York City life. Oh New York…how much you make me want to live along the city life with its benefits and yet want to also escape its routine of the hustle and bustle.

The Perfect Niche

I have a problem with this when it comes to employment in life and when I should write on this blog. My thoughts could run a million miles a minute for a couple of seconds and then I get myself distracted by something on my phone to read. I’ve done so much reading for the past couple of years because of my uncertainty. I don’t know what to do with my life. I always hear, nobody really does. It’s reflected in so many narratives, stories, forums, articles, social media platforms, news, and other such places of writing. It’s a problem for me. It’s my loss of focus. It drabbles me onto not focusing but dabbles me onto one topic to the next. It could be from cybersecurity to business intelligence to medical healthcare to forensic psychology and such. Is it important for me to pick a speciality? My answer would be yes. It is important to pick one for the time being. I’ve had this problem of doing research first and then prolonging it for a significant amount of time that I forget where time has left me. Some people need structure and I realized that I am one of those that need such.

So what is it that is wrong? I would say a few things that contribute to my dawdling, procured distractions of social media, my living situation, my uncertain fear with no solid future success stories, and my mental health. Social media is easily accessible, Instagram and Facebook. The video sharing website, Youtube most certainly is one of the most distracting of the distractions. It’s like watching television. You could stay on it for more than 5 hours a day. With my living situation, I live with three other people in my household, my two parents and my aunt. They are their own individuals but one in particular is my dad who can be quite bicker-some and agitating. When I research on topics of what I should be doing or what I think I’ll be good at, my thoughts of uncertainty kicks in where I don’t know anyone who has went through this and successfully continued on with it. My mental health I would not have wondered was a big deal back then. When Selena Gomez or other such big celebrities of today talked about mental health, I did not zone into what was the big deal. I just did my normal everyday living until I met with mental health professionals and other patients that possibly…it is a big problem for me. How do you overcome? How do you excel?

Well one thing I know I am doing right is by writing it down. It’s important. As humans, it is important to socialize. If not able to socialize, writing it down to view your own thoughts would or could bring about revelations and solutions to what could possibly be best for your future benefits. Thank you for reading. I hope to not be afraid to write on here especially if I think I should be nitpicky on choosing it to be of one niche. By being an individual myself, it would bring this blog together. For now, let’s keep it as a place for me to alleviate my ever growing mind. Thank you.

Introduction

Adventure. Bravery. Struggle. A decision different from the normal. That is what I can define my personality and life so far…

For many years, I’ve always contemplated and yearned for a place online to call my own since personal blogging has been hard to come by when choosing a suitable platform. You would think that one would choose WordPress.com first or the easy reblog platform of Tumblr. There is also the possibility of using Wix which influencers choose to broadcast abroad the array of Youtube videos, but I’ve come to WordPress.com. I’ve done Tumblr and I’ve tried Wix, but I’m on here to finally give this platform a try. So let’s begin…