Rough World, Rough Rock, Tough Love

I do not doubt my strength, resilience, nor my compassion. I do feel though, quite some guilt. I settled back into a space where I forever told myself I would never put myself through. It’s been rough; the mental games. The word triggered is a word that is much more spoken in this uproar in mental health during pandemic times.

The word triggered speaks to me in a different way. My ears perk up, I’m home and when I hear something; I get ready for my anxiety to sink in that I want to sleep in all day. It’s harsh. It feels disheartening to write such, but it is the reality which I want to cut away. I want life to turn a whole 180 degrees, a whole 360 degrees to a life I want to be, I want, to what I need.

I was told in the outside world that a peace of mind is important in all aspects of your life. Throughout the day I wish for it. I wish for it in a way, where I am in a different environment of white light, sun light, with my eyes closed and when life is on the move I’m having fun. I don’t want to be me, I want to be somewhere else, I want to be someone else. It’s that harsh. I’ll say that again. It’ll repeat each time I wake up. What brings me peace is when I walk outside but in a stimulated place where I do not know and just want to learn everything. I’ve walked many residential areas, but it can be quite a bore.

Why do I feel guilt? I thought at this time long ago I’d be at a different phase of life of feeling settled and had things figured out. I think everyone does. So many lucky ones, and yet social media does not do a good service to bring about a happy mindset for me to oversee and compare others’ lives. I got asked to sit down and tell my plan for my future onset. That’s when guilt hit me. I cannot tell you my future because you will be disappointed as I am disappointed in myself.

What is there to call proud if you can’t be proud of me and what I’ve done in the first place? It always hurts my heart that such exists. I always used to reach for hope and it always outside these walls. But what hurts most is, when you reach outside for help, it’s an illusion with some people you talk to. It’s a disguise of a pretend face. That’s why this world is a rough rock, pins and needles. What is there when everything is just pretend? It’s another harsh reality.

To be free, to do what you like at moments’ notice is beautiful. It is the fresh air and breath you take once you step out your front door while the sunlight shines onto your face. Take me to such a place, to such a world of freedom, belief, and the love to live every moments’ notice. Take me there, and I’ll forever be yours to hold your hand, and set back free into a world of bliss. Be bliss with me.

Be Accepted for Being the Unexpected

A re-post from my old blog. Written September 26, 2011

I remember when I took Arabic Literature: In Translation, I felt as if I was different with my answers in the class. The class was small and consisted of about 8-9 people, but when I spoke, my answers seemed quite bizarre or out of the ordinary when I answered the professor’s questions. I found that maybe me and her were both from two different worlds, yet we grew up and were born in the same exact town/city when she asked where in Queens I was from. She has experienced so much more compared to me though. As she grew up, she was raised in different environments such as Egypt, England, and many other such places I cannot remember. She was born here but she had experienced growing up in many different places in the world and grew up with such a “must dive in” before life ends attitude. She was white you see, but she had such passion for being Arab or having being enriched in the Arabic/Middle Eastern culture. She even spoke Arabic to others of who she knew was of the culture or descent. It makes me wonder what have I done? What have I gone through? Maybe she thought of bigger things because of her travels. That’s what makes me wish in experiencing more in my life as well as the world. I love culture, I love the world, but what do I have to show to it and bring to it?

Going back to the start, I knew I was different in that class. I knew I had a different perspective from everyone else. Not only in that class did my opinions stick out but in other classes too. I felt singled out because my thoughts were so out of the ordinary and were just different. Many times my answers were accepted but you can see it on those professors’ faces, like what is this girl really thinking? I know now for the past couple of weeks, days, months, that I am not a person that can be hidden, invisible quite easily. Even though I used to try not to dress as extravagant or out of the norm, I used to be noticed. It was like that for me since I was younger. I was always picked out from the crowd either because of the way I stood out in looks or of what I said that were conveyed to the public. I have to come to accept that I am different. I do stick out. I can’t hide myself because I will always get picked on for something peculiar in what I say or look. I will always be singled out and the attention will face my way even though I don’t want it.

Acceptance..acceptance..acceptance..it’s something of value that everyone has to take in, and what I mean is not for society as a whole accepting you who you are but within yourself. You have to accept yourself, what you say, what you do, who you are –inside and out. By accepting yourself, that will probably create a confidence and fearless overlook of what is it that you can only possess and hold. Be you – not anything less or anything more. Accept what you have to give to the world, accept what you are and what you do, and accept the fact that you cannot change how the world thinks of you. You, you, you.

I used to believe
We were burnin’ on the edge of somethin’ beautiful
Somethin’ beautiful
Selling a dream
Smoke and mirrors keep us waitin’ on a miracle
On a miracleSay, go through the darkest of days
Heaven’s a heartbreak away
Never let you go, never let me down
Oh, it’s been a hell of a ride
Driving the edge of a knife
Never let you go, never let me downDon’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you
Don’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you
Oh baby, babyDon’t fall asleep
At the wheel, we’ve got a million miles ahead of us
Miles ahead of us
All that we need
Is a rude awakening to know we’re good enough
Know we’re good enoughSay go through the darkest of days
Heaven’s a heartbreak away
Never let you go, never let me down
Oh it’s been a hell of a ride
Driving the edge of a knife
Never let you go, never let me downDon’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you
Don’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you
Oh baby, babyNever let you go
Never let you go
Never let you go
Never let you go
Never let you go
Never let you goNever let you go
Never let you go
Never let you go
Never let you go (oh no no no no)
Never let you go (yeah yeah)
I’ll never let you goDon’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you
Don’t you give up, nah-nah-nah
I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah
Let me love you
Let me love you

______________________________

This song I’ve been listening to since last year. I dance to it. I vibe to it. I thrive with it. There’s always a song out there that can align with your emotions. This is one song that lifts me up and to keep fighting…

I imagine myself at the start of the race behind the starting line. I’m in ready to go stance. Once the gun kicks up and blasts, I run. Then the scene fades and another part of the song I’m just dancing along and spinning at points. I put one of my hands in front of my face and lean it downwards three times and swiftly put my hand on the floor with a stance where my leg is outstretched with my hand still on the floor open handed, fingers spread out. And I look out to the view in front of me, head on. Whatever is ahead, I will fight. No matter the difficulty. It’s what I’m meant to do. Either in silence or to speak my voice. I’m done holding it in and back. No person should ever stop you from what is head on in front of you to where you want to go in life or feel is right for you. Your path is not the same as the person standing or sitting next to you. Just get it. I encourage you.


Want you more every day
While slipping on the words I wish you would say
I get that late night knock on my door
And I know exactly what you’re coming here for
You went out with your girls
Told a lie said you’re lonely
But you know where I am
And I know where you’re going
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
La da da da da
La da da da da
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you love me like a friend
Sunrise coffee I know
You’ll take a sip and slip back into your clothes
Oh every time you’re walking out of my door
I don’t think that you know what you’re leaving here for
When you’re out with your girls (with you and your girls)
You can lie (lie to me) say you’re lonely
But you know where I am
And I know where you’re going
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
La da da da da
La da da da da
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you love me like a friend
You’ve got a friend in me
And that’s what’s killing me
You’ve got a friend in me
And that’s what’s killing me
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you’re fucking with my head
La da da da da
La da da da da
Every night you’re sleeping in my bed
Every morning you love me like a friend

Love Triangles

I never want to be in one. If a guy had a choice, I’d rather jump ship no matter. If there is conflicting feelings with a guy to another girl and me, I’d rather make it an easy option where, I’ll just jump out ship. I don’t ever want to be an option. I was once dating this guy and we had learned enough about each other but there wasn’t any chemistry, there wasn’t any romance, it was just being there to be there I think. He liked this other girl for a long time like for 5 years, and he always wanted to ask her out. So I made it easy for him, I laid it down after he was going to drop me off at home and I asked, what matters to you most? This could mean for his future, his present, and how really does the girl feel about him and him to her. Would she really stay? Would they really be in it for the long haul or would their feelings change? The honeymoon stage is always in feelings of bliss. It always would feel good. But once it hit comfortable, things would change. Or once the one who was pursued has a choice to leave you or stick with you..

He was in midst of dating her while dating me. He knew her longer though. I just met him a month or two ago and started dating him. I made viable points for him, for him and her, and for him and me. It wasn’t so hard. I understood how relationships worked. I knew well enough how it would go and how romance is, how chemistry is, and why things ended up this way and that. It’s just you have a knack of how people work. But in the end after we had that talk, yes we did stop seeing each other. We did stop dating because he pursued her. But I think it was 5 months later, they broke up. She was interested in some other guy that piqued her interest. You already know what kind of person, a person is after knowing them for so long if you studied their behaviors. From what he told me about her, I had a feeling it would be a chance for him but it wouldn’t run long..

Short Letter to Pri

It’s been a couple weeks since you passed away. When I randomly stumble upon the videos I recorded of you, I still tear up. It’s like one day I was texting you and then the next day I am not able to… I feel very disheartened. We can’t spontaneously talk about the most randomest moments or important parts of our lives and share our experiences. Sometimes we would talk about intense ones that would just either make us laugh or feel sad for each other. It’s like I have an idea and I want to text it to you but then I remember…you’re not here anymore…I feel really still shocked and in denial of the reality that you’re no longer here. You lived your life with the risks we knew you could achieve. Thank you for your time, your humble words of advice, and your presence. Dear friend, I don’t know how I can live without you when my habit urges me to ask you today how you are…love you. Rest in peace dear one.

adieu; short, no end

It was the day I had to return to Chicago. It was my last day to return to Chicago…It was December 13, 2013. This was the day I returned to make an end..I think it was a day it snowed when I landed but I did not think too much of the too smallest of details. I was in the airport and thought, this was where it began. A traveling of back and forth between Chicago and New York. He didn’t wait for me at the airport nor was it best if he did. So I bought a train ticket to our stop in the Loop. The train ride into the city was long as always. I had no interest with the things outside the window. It was just mundane and cold. My thoughts were of how would I go about this? How would I go back in there without tearing up? To be honest even before I get to the end and describe the beginning to middle, I want to explain that this parting would be the hardest heartbreaking parting of my life. It is something of a poetic nature. I would call it bittersweet. He was still kind. He was still soft. He was still a gentleman. But indeed, it was to end once the next day or two hit.

I got to the apartment building. It was the same as always. Busy here, busy there. He didn’t come down but I went up. The opening of the door. The apartment was the same at most, just a bit dusty.

That Promise

Long ago, he asked me, would I be able to live this life without him. I said I don’t know. But one promise I promised myself and to him was to be better than myself yesterday. I am to be able to stand on my own two feet, fight for what I strongly believe in, lead the people to what they need to do in life, and to inspire the youth. He died long ago but I won’t forget now that I have welcomed his past memories. Please let me become the am I have always needed to be. To lead the world to a better future and to be as strong as he is when it comes finances and assertiveness. Integrity and grace fill me.

I haven’t fufilled that promise. I’m at a stage where my life is stagnant for a while at the moment. But let’s see soon. Wait for me kind soul… For my strengthened humble future self. I will show you the way I was destined to become.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started