My Worst Trip

It was a three to four day weekend trip. It was to go to Las Vegas and just hangout and have fun. It was one of my first trips of travel with my then boyfriend. It was my first time taking days off at work as well for actual vacation and I’m like Yes, this will be exciting! We’re going to have fun! It’s pretty much that since you know, it’s Vegas. Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Bad or Good. Well this one was extremely stressful and bad. If I had to explain from beginning to end I think I’d probably be exhausted to even want to think about it again.

So I remember we landed in the airport and waited on the taxi line to get into a taxi. That was okay, nothing wrong there. We were to meet up with friends at the hotel and just hangout from there. Do whatever, have a lunch or dinner. We got into a taxi and lo and behold we got to our hotel Mandalay Bay. It was a very golden on the outside and well you just walk in and it seemed alright until…we saw that there was an outstretched line from the counter to the front door. It was like a whole disorganized line where you didn’t know where was the end of it so you can start to wait. I was like, what is going on? So we asked and someone said that the systems of the hotel are down and they have to check everyone in manually. It was just an unbelievable wait. It would take two and half to three hours to wait with our luggage on the line and get into a room. Our friends came by and were pretty shocked at the line. They offered to take our luggage and put it in their room but we didn’t think it would be necessary since their hotel was just ajoint to ours. So we waited on that line with a bunch of drunk, angry, and tipsy people. The hotel was serving free drinks. I don’t remember if it was anything you wanted or if it was just beer and cocktails, but there were a lot of incoherent talking people. Whenever I heard a conversation, I was thinking oh wow…that made no sense. Other than the free drinks, there were free cookies. It wouldn’t be good for the diabetics there but the baker who made them made it pretty good.

So once we got to the counter, we manually checked in. We made sure it was for what we wanted but nope to just having some sorrow and disappointment for the end result. When we got to our hotel room, it didn’t have the Las Vegas strip view that we wanted. It wasn’t the corner room that we ordered. It wasn’t even high enough in floors to what we requested. The boyfriend at the time was extremely pissed and tired so I think we possibly took a nap. After we headed to our friend’s room in the ajoint hotel. I was pretty amazed on the luxurious accommodations they were given. Their room was gigantic more-so upwards vertically than outstretched horizontally. It looked quite grandeur with some beautiful lighting and soft curtains. We all talked about our plans for the next few days and went out that night to watch Cirque Du Soleil.

The next day came and my boyfriend and I just wandered the strip on foot. Nothing too crazy, nothing too different. Just exploring from casino to casino. Gambling was neither our forte so we didn’t care about winning on the slots nor any other card tables. We ate at a buffet and then met up with our friends again during midday. We went back to the hotel and prepared for the night. It was a very intriguing festive night where we went where I met a lesbian who wanted me and to leave my boyfriend. She inquired where I was from and where she lived. She came from a very big ranch or something from South America that her family owned and just wanted to have fun for the rest of her life. The encounter was fascinating but nothing boggled my mind other than where I talked with this woman. Earlier we called for a service, got picked up by a limo for free, and entered a building for adult entertainment. It was my first time in such places and well I guess there were more lesbians there than straight women. Who would have guessed? We stayed there for some time throwing some ones here and there. I couldn’t help but really observe the scene. Then the night was over and we headed home.

The next day we hung out with our friends along the strip and got ready for that night. It was a very busy weekend since the electric Daisy carnival was in town and we didn’t take part in it. We only had tickets to Kaskade who was playing at the marquee. I got ready that night, put on my best clubbing wear and we strolled along the strip til we got to the marquee. Once we climbed a couple of stairs we got into the club. It was popping. It was hot. The music was loud. Bodies touching bodies. Shots getting spilled everywhere or just cocktails. So the floor was extremely sticky. My friends, the boyfriend, and I had so many shots of tequila I could not count. It was hot to dance around but you really were dancing in one spot, literally. I got a couple bruises on my legs because the girls and guys around just didn’t know where they were stepping.

i remember by kasakade. One of the songs by dj Kaskade when we were in the club

Then as some time passed…the boyfriend was losing balancing. He was losing consciousness I think he was going to faint or knock out. I was like oh man..is this happening? So I told my friends ok guys we need to go, he’s not looking too good. It wasn’t good that even the bouncers and security in the club were concerned. It was just me and she boyfriend that left. Our friends wanted to stay behind to enjoy the rest of the night. We headed to the elevators exit with security escort and the club made me sign something in case something happened to him. I’m in my head..like is this for real? This is really a thing?..so we went into the elevator and got to the bottom. There was a huge huge gigantic taxi line and we bypassed the hell out of that joint. But this is where my nerves began to get the best of me. The security escorted us to the front of the taxi line and I got into the taxi.

The taxi driver seemed quiet…at first too quiet. Than the boyfriend was having trouble just lying his head down back on the seat. The taxi cab driver said, miss If anything happens in the car, you would have to pay for it. And im like he’s fine, nothing is going to happen. And when we got to outside the hotel. The boyfriend seemed so gone but not fully there yet. The taxi cab driver looked at him, looked at me, looked around and said ok pay up and pay the extra. I was like arguing with him there was nothing we did wrong in the back chair. He was just passed out. I knew from my gut, this guy was going to take advantage of me if I did anything or nothing other than pay. He wanted his money. He locked the doors. I couldn’t get out. I had to pay the extra or he wouldn’t unlock the doors. I had to pay…I threw it at him. The money I had with the extra hundred..for nothing… And he unlocked it.

I had to grab my boyfriend and he fell over on the floor once we walked out. He could walk and thank goodness he didn’t break anything…it was traumatizing. Never again…will I set foot in a taxi without some psycho but it seemed like a bad situation. Some guy nearby said hey! You want to go to the hospital?! I was like no we didn’t need that. He wasn’t that bad. If it was bad he’d be puking everywhere by now. That last taxi cab driver gave a bad taste in my mouth…having to treat me like that. I did what I could, held my boyfriend’s arm until we reached our hotel room. He walked sort of okay. Side to side. Big huge steps. We got to the elevator and into our room. I told him he needs a shower but he couldn’t comprehend. I told him get to the bed. He was about to get to the bed but he was crawling at this point and somehow fell asleep on the floor. At this point, it was 3am. I was worried.

How do you deal with someone who could possibly puke any time soon with alcohol posioning?! This was my first encounter. He laid on the floor while I searched on google. I set him on his side so he didn’t puke while lying on his back. It’s like that moment on breaking bad where Jessie’s then girlfriend dies by choking on her puke while laying on her back.. I put pillows along both sides of him so he doesn’t slide into his back. Then I slept for a bit. But I knew in the morning I had to go out to get some stuff for him.

Once it hit daylight, I hoped he didn’t budge. I went out on a walk to the closest store to get Gatorade and water. A convenience store was a couple blocks away and I got a bunch of Gatorade and water bottles. By that time I took a taxi and tried having a good conversation with the female taxi driver. I could tell from in her voice she was pretty money hungry too..I was traumatized, saddened, disappointed, irritated, and thought, the taxis in Vegas either are doing well or just so greedy. I hated Vegas because of it. So when I got to the hotel, I let the taxi driver on their way. I got to the room and I told the boyfriend to get to bed. He eventually did and drank some water. He puked pretty much all day..but that wasn’t the end of our bad luck.

So we went out to meet up with our friends. We walked the strip but every so often, like probably every casino we passed by he went to the bathroom to puke. Once on the strip, there was a bridge that had an up and down escalator to the sidewalk. We went on the down escalator.. and then next thing you know BAM. People were crashing down and possibly falling down on one another. What happened was some guy running away from the police going down the escalator and crashing into people. It was illegal than to sell water bottles I guess but maybe he did something more. But anyways, my then boyfriend saw the guy and grabbed his bookbag not letting go so he could stop him. He grabbed him when we were Midway up or down on the escalator. I was shocked. Then the guy does a turn at the end of the escalator and the boyfriend is on the ground…I’m like..are you okay? My then boyfriend lifted up his pants and showed me his bleeding on his leg..I’m like oh my God…so we went to the closest casino to ask the concierge for the hospital or some sort of bandaging. So the concierge suggested we go to the security desk and just get some bandages. The security guard was not so shocked at the story but not at all empathetic. So he gave us bandages and the boyfriend and I was like..what kind of vacation was this?… He just got it bad I guess with a bleeding scrapped leg and puking..at this point I didn’t know what was going on but the turn of events for this vacation would always made me reconsider to head to Vegas for a long long weekend or week. Vegas isn’t as cracked up as it was meant to be. No way Jose. But what a sad turn of events..

My Dreams (part1)

If I could dream my future life, first would be family. Family is important to me. It’s my support system. It’s my rock. Without a loving, respectable, loyal, dependable, humorous, silly, strong, logical, responsible,romantic disciplined, person I don’t think I could stand up on my feet alone. But I have stood my ground alone before, but with someone next to me, it would make me more loving and happier in life. He has to have the idea of our future as a team together, with happy romantic spontaneous fun times. We would both be silly at heart and comfortable at home where we can do our own things and be ourselves. We would cuddle on the couch and watch movies and shows together. Play games when we can and maybe learn some. When we are out in places, it’d be fun to have adventure but also to try thrilling things like parasailing, jet ski-ing, skydiving etc. We would dress up and go to different asian anime conventions. We would go to technology, gaming, events. We would also go to unique things, whatever we can do to have fun and learn. Concerts are of my past so not many is okay but ones where we both can enjoy the music. He would be my rock and I would be the other half to take care of the things he’s not good at. So complimentary, equal, and independent. We would have at least two kids. It would be nice to have one boy and one girl. But I would be fine with either gender.

The living situation, I’m not sure still if I would want a house or a condo, but I do know I’d like to have two places. But the house or condo first. The One I would want the most is a loft. But that would come secondary. I love the way a loft looks and how modern. It would be fun to just own one. The other would be a house or condo. But I always imagined living in a house with a garden so we wouldn’t have to buy the vegetables all in the grocery. I want the home to be comfortable, homey, warm, loving, a bit colorful, lots of sunlight when needed, not in bedroom, and a tiny bit techie advanced. But mostly comfortable for my family and friends. It doesn’t have to be lavish, luxurious, or modern. The front and backyard don’t have to be too big since taking care of the grass can be tiresome to water everyday. I always considered of having a cat long ago, but being around cats with other relatives, I’ve resorted to have a change with a puppy. Puppies are playful so it’d be nice to have one as company. I’d prefer not a huge dog. I want a small one. A maltese is good. I thought a chow chow would be cool, but probably that is quite a big dog. There has a to be a master bedroom, a guest room, a room or two rooms for the kids. A living room. I don’t care so for a dining room but if we have parties of course we would most likely need one. So a dining room or some kind of party space. A playroom would be good for the kids or husband to have his den. I’d want to have parties, small gatherings with friends for sure. It could be once a month or holidays or whenever we want to have people over. I love having get togethers but money will always be something to be considered first before having one. It’d be nice to have themed ones too like a great Gatsby night, anime parties where we watch a whole run of anime with friends, cooking contest with friends and much more. We would play games too with our friends, board games or video games. Having homemade hotpot at home with friends sounds fun as well. Miss those days.

I’m not sure about office area if we should have one or two of them but probably just one and I’d work in the dining room table. The kitchen would have a granite island and good counter spaces for me and the husband to cook. We would have some kind of food schedule maybe on the fridge so we can budget and have nice dinner nights and take turns cooking. Some nights we could have romantic dinner by the candlelight ones. So I’d like to have a sound system around where we have our dinners. I love music. We would even slow dance sometimes once and a while. In our living room, we would have a nice comfy couch. That is very important. And in the bedroom, we would have the best soft blankets and most comfiest bed so we could sleep good at night for work the next day. I don’t know about basement or attic, but I guess we could both, one or the other for storage space. A pool could be cool to have in the backyard but I’m not pushing it. We would have a terrace or a nice deck area in the back for us and our friends to chill out during the summer time. It would be nice for people to stay over and we would just chat and talk all night to early morning.

Draft Concerns And “Ships”

I’ve wrote a couple more posts but they are all in my drafts. All unfinished. All unspoken words of my life. I feel as if my happy go lucky nature has been hidden for quite some years. I tell myself I need to become me again. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. Authenticity, honesty, and living up to my values is important in my life. If people are not align with my values, who I am as a person, or I guess maybe don’t vibe with me, there’s no use to continue on with that string of friendship. I haven’t seen or talked to many I love or close to. It’s that feeling of shame and pride again. It’s never a good thing. It’s something I have to overcome and let go. It happens.

When it comes to meeting people, I remember testing out all the waters. I floated from group to group in high school. In college, I was still open to everyone in the libraries, the cafeterias and such. At work, I just talked to whoever was around whenever I felt like it. Sometimes you would find people to just not like you at all. I learned that. It’s like they first meet you, they hate you and it’s like okay, I don’t get why but I’ll just accept they hate me for no reason even if I didn’t talk to you in any such bad way. I thought of I’ll be likeable and cool to everyone, but that just doesn’t work in this world. You can’t be liked by everyone. You just need to be yourself and roll with it. If someone likes you or not, who cares? You really can’t change everyone, especially people of the older generation have a much more stringent point of view of life. You have to float, float, float some more until you find the people you vibe with. Or you can just make the group of people you vibe with so it’s easier on your money and time. It’s pretty easy that way. Just make sure there is no drama queen in the group, hell to the no. That can just break the whole group apart. Why be in one where it makes you feel stressed, emotionally drained, or you force yourself to fit in and adapt? Why? It’s not you, don’t do it, or you’ll hate yourself later. Maybe you won’t even remember yourself after being so consumed with the crap..but oh well, it’s all on you.. I guess..

I love and appreciate my friends and I truly choose to talk and stick with those who I have fun with and knowledgeable. Also they have to be good people. There are people out there but you just don’t vibe with everyone. You just know. The silence with someone can speak words. It’s like if in silence you can understand what vibe it is. Trust that and always have boundaries. Boundaries are important to any relationship or friendship or “ship.” It’s important. And if those people you are around have the same values and keep up to those boundaries, then that’s good. You’ll know whose good people after spending or talking to many many people, you just get it. And spending more time.

Darkness in the Light of Day, Love

A standstill picture of a bittersweet memory…

I watched as the snow fall from within the warm nestled apartment. It fell so softly from the sky to the ground. In front of me was the floor to ceiling windows with an urban jungle behind it… It was midday. You were at work and I watched in silence thinking is this true? Where am I?

It was somewhat of a beautiful silence.

You revel in your own thoughts, your own mind. You feel your own feelings, and your own doings. I was in a white sleeveless dress while on the outside, it was a cold and ruthless winter. The wind could blow so fast and with so much cold, you could feel a cold catching on if you were caught in its grasp. I wondered about the outside world as if I can imagine what my day would be like if I wasn’t here. If I wasn’t there…

It would be the last day of our last meal. It would be the last day of our last silences together. It would be the last day of our last everything.

Inside, I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay. And I wanted to repeat this day forever. But alas it will always be captured as a memory…as a still image picture in my mind where I can place myself if I wanted to…to feel resilience..to feel beauty… Once you walked through that apartment door, I would feel a pang of pain. A pang of love. A pang of why. And a pang of…it will never be again…

I’d rather not feel. I’d rather not see with my eyes that you exist. That you were there…because that’s something I would miss. Something I would want. But it would and will never be again.

A painful memory, yet beautiful. I will remember…

A kept away secret in a locket that will never be. For it is love in its painful ways of its finite endings…

Blinded by His Hard Knock Life

The instability of one’s own mind is a scary thing. You are not able to distinguish if you are thinking in a coherent stable mind or you might not even remember what actions or behaviors you’ve taken within the real world. I had one such ex that I trusted he would do the right things…but his actions and demeanor said otherwise…

He had to survive in this world since he was born. He said his parents didn’t treat him right when growing up. His home was turned into a tenement/boarding home where random strangers would live there and share living spaces like the kitchens and bathrooms. It was a three story house so it was big enough for other people to live.

He told me once that he had no room or place to sleep in the house so he slept on one of the stairs in the house maybe pretending to be a corpse so no one would bother him…how creepy…

Anyways he lived in a tough neighborhood I guess. He always carried a knife like any other guy for defense but there was a couple of times a Spanish gang was tracking him around the neighborhood and would go at him anytime he was open and vulnerable. He told me that he had to fought them off a couple times. But there was this one time he was bleeding…Bleeding as if he didn’t notice. He told me he just nonchalantly walked into the hospital Emergency room closeby his house with a knife in his abdomen… I’m like…you were bleeding in the Emergency room with blood seeping out and waiting for your turn?… He was like yeah, not like they care any better…

So I guess where this is going is, he was there and not all there. I was pretty okay with life. I was in college and living in my dorm for college at the time while he lived at home still. He was going to school as an EMT and was having a hard time getting his mind straight. He told me he got some medication from his pharmacy friend to help with the pain of life he was going through. With that…he became to act strange I guess. Some nights he would call me like he wasn’t himself. He sounded hysterical. Another time he would sound sad. Other times he would be so so happy to talk to me. I wasn’t so aware of it since I was concentrating on school.

Then there was this one time where I was not sure how I should handle it… His mom and siblings were in the other room staying over. His parents were divorced and his siblings lived with their mother. His mother and his siblings were there to visit.. From what he told me, she mistreated him the most when he was a kid. He hated her with the utmost hate. She beat him up as a child and he beat her back…That one time where they stayed over..he kept repeating over and over and over how he hated his mother and wanted to kill her. It became scary and intensified when he went to the corner of the room..and he had a chef’s knife in hand. I was like no! I took and grabbed his hand and and said no! You can’t do this! What are you saying?! Stop!!! Then I started to cry saying you can’t do that.

A murderous intent is a scary one…I thought of his siblings as good children. They were good people…They were so young that they didn’t live enough of life to experience more of it yet. His mother was changing her life around and didn’t think one ounce of my then boyfriend…

He was so confused with my reaction and said, it’s ok. I’m here. Nothing is wrong.

I was extremely scared. My insides were shaken. My shell of a vessel felt empty…and I felt extremely disappointed. I wanted to leave that same night but it was a bad neighborhood. I couldn’t just get out and go… So I waited until morning until I left. I was thinking what has got into him? What the hell was all of that? His behavior was getting weird that I couldn’t do it anymore…

Then he said it all with one thing when we were in his car. It’s always in the car we had our fights, our serious talks, our arguments. I hated his car. He said the medication his pharmacist friend gave him were all kinds of different drugs. Not for one thing. It was for depression. It is was for if you were bipolar. It was all kinds of whatever kind of drugs his friend can fill that fucking orange pill bottle. I was mad. I was unforgiving. I was like hell no. All of what he said will be a fucking lie from then on I would say.. By being under the influence of all the random shit drugs he took, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take it when he said he will detox and did detox. I couldn’t take it when he was clean from it. I couldn’t take it when this or that, or this or that, or this or that. I was done in my head. I was done in my heart.

I should have left him. I should have done it. But I wasn’t so all there either. I was passive. I was insecure. During that time, my life was confusing and I just hadn’t thought about what about it and if at all. If I could , if I would, I should have left him… A murderous intent would be a sign and a red flag to just go. But what is it about humans that make them feel and say those things? It’s much deeper than that…All and all, if someone said they wanted to do such that to another human being, my foot is heading the other way and through the door. It’s not worth your life to lose. Even when it just started…

Confessions of a Runaway

This video, Sleep on the Floor by the Lumineers depicts a similar situation I was in with a previous boyfriend. Other than the funeral scene and going into a taxi, there was a chance we were to runaway and drive cross country and not look back. We would leave everything and everyone behind and be nomads. Well that’s what I thought and I’m sure he was serious because that’s how he was… He was a serious person and made things happen but I couldn’t let him do a career suicide. He worked a good job within a good company and me telling him yes let’s go… It would have made me think in the back of my mind, what could have been if we stayed…

But we did stay…

It was a bad time for us. It was Chicago. It was cold. He had a job and I was in search for what was next in life. There was a lot of pressure on his side. I don’t think he could take it anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was just bad. We fought, we argued. We had silent conversations in the same room. I did what I did but it was a bore. It was so aggravating. I don’t remember how it exactly came about but he asked if we should do it. If we should take that chance and just get up and go. If I wanted to do it…I think it was all up to me like usual to make that decision… It was just to be gone, get away from everyone and everything.

I wanted to take it. I wanted to take that risk so bad.

But what would life be if we kept moving around and what would we do about money? I was too afraid of that chance. It didn’t sound realistic. I didn’t sound practical. It didn’t sound comfortable or sound…It was too idealistic. What would happen if his parents came back to us and questioned what the hell we were doing? It probably would be blamed on me. Hey Jackie? What if we left everything, everyone behind and just buy a car and go about wherever we wanted. We would just drive and go wherever. How nice…

Don’t get me wrong but Chicago wasn’t for us. There was silent racism to us both and it was just too cold to go to many places. An incident happened at his work with someone posting an article in their lunch room talking about h1b visa immigrants taking American jobs. People bowed to us one time in the elevator saying welcome to America since we were both asian. At my job during that time, certain customers would ignore me when I tried to be friendly with them. And it just was just so cold, so sad, so angry to be there…Also, the sales tax and taxes were one of the highest in the country. We didn’t know how to cope. It was driving us insane. But you know running away from it all would have been nice.

One day I would say, I will go cross country and will go wherever I want to go with my love. But it would have to be a time where we both feel comfortable to just get up and go. It would have to have pragmatism to it. It would’ve been nice. It would be nice…but in the end, where would we be if we had gone? How would have our relationship been in the end? I’ll never know but it’s alright. Someday would be the answer…yes?

Life and Money – Now, What?

When it comes to work I’m not worried. I’ve already felt the need of working to work to get money. I worked and worked and worked. I put my best foot forward. I was the best and became “the perfect.” It was something of the time being. It was something that I had to do for the sake of paying off my bills, living life, and loans. I lived paycheck to paycheck and did so much overtime that life outside of work was non-existent.

My insides, my mentality, my emotional being was so done, was so gone and so tired. I always asked, is this really the life I want to be for me? Was this the life I wanted for me to always wake up at this time and to just go and get yelled at? It was only temporary. It is only for now is what I thought. I am thankful for it. I’ve learned so much from it. You wake up at the same time everyday. You see the same people and then you see people come and go. It made me think time is moving too fast. When am I able to live outside these walls? It’s something you don’t think about until you’ve had enough of it. It was so draining that once it was over I didn’t have the energy to live outside of it. The consumption became my breath. My breath became well more breaths…but still it wasn’t something I wanted to live for.

I will live for what I want to live for. I don’t want to go for the purpose of just making money. But money is necessary in order to live within the means of this life so I do not disregard it. I just put it hand in hand with what purpose I want with it. I’ve already lived for working to just make money for the sake of paying what you need to without a real purpose. When I work, I want to make money but also with something I can balance myself with. I’m not worried. I know the tricks and things with it. People can be so ignorant without so much research. People can be naive without much experience. I’ve lived to live. But now I want to live to really live how I want to live.

Everyone doesn’t go the same speed as others as well not in the same phase in life.

What matters is understanding. Understanding can take as much as experiencing a lot but also at least speaking to enough people. I’ve spoken to hundreds of thousands of people in my life as of this point. By being in one such past company where it was required to talk to 80 to 100 people per day for 5 days per week and for 6 years, those numbers just adds up. If you maximize it, that’s 500 people for 5 days a week. You’re doing this throughout the whole year on the business days. There’s 251 working days in 2019 in the US, you multiply that to 100 people. You get 25,100 people you talked to in one year. If you multiply that for the 6 years I was there, it would be 150,600 people I talked to throughout the world. That’s a hundred thousand people too much for one person to handle. You have a quota, you have a time limit, you have work policies and standards, people trying to speak english, and you balancing out how to convey the problems to whatever department that you would need to have helped you in assisting. Emotional draining work as well.

I purposely was aware of what I was doing. I was obtaining knowledge while doing my job. So I am aware and knowledgeable about the different cultures of people, the different professions, the different attitudes, and the mannerisms people can have when speaking. I even learned when someone is lying to me or they can speak to me and I don’t know what they are saying I can just figure it out without a thought. So don’t underestimate my burnout with that helluva job. I did what I was told. I did what I had to do. So now, I’m doing what I should be doing to live my life, which people need breaks if they feel like they tried to save the world or such. Maybe, possibly, yeah…

It’s time I make impact and go towards my calling.

I’ve been told to do this. I’ve been told to do that. I’ve been brainwashed and programmed to do this and that through social media news feeds and stories. I’m done. I already know what’s what. I already know what I need to do. And I’m going to do it because it’s the best time for it. It will take some years but I’m not worried while earning money along with it. Trust me. I get it.

People can judge my life and think I did nothing for the past couple years but nope I’ve been studying. I’ve been studying and testing what works and what doesn’t work for me. Trial and error it is for me. I’ve been also reading about how people have done with their life. The plethora of other people’s experiences are filled in my brain. Sometimes you need the time for yourself to figure things out. It’s what makes you take a step back from life without being a headless chicken. So think what you think but I’ve read up on enough and talked to a lot of people enough that I know how life can work in many ways. There’s always a system in anything you do and the first thing to do is put yourself into it or observe or read/talk about someone in it and then you pretty much get the gist. It’s good, I get it. I’m thankful I had my time to relax about it but now I need to jump right back into the system and life. By getting back into the human routine of things is going to suck, but that’s life. I’m going to have to balance that out with fun. But that is okay. Let’s go. Let’s get it. Get at me.

Love, Pride, and Your Relationship

Pride is when one stands their ground and knows their self worth. It’s something that everyone has that it can come when you least expect it. When it comes to love, it’s best to leave your pride at the door. From my past, I always had a problem when it came to pride, money, and self worth. An example would be, my boyfriend asks hey let’s go on vacation to Taiwan and you can meet my family who lives there and such. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to meet his family, it’s more of I don’t have the money right now. I’m not worth meeting your family. So that is your pride refusing to budge because well you feel you have to earn the money to be worth it to meet his family. He would find it insulting on the refusal and you just missed out on opportunity of experience and getting your relationship closer with just being able to do that.

The thing with pride is, you should be proud with the partner you have. You should be proud to show them off your arm and hold their hand. You can showcase them on your social media if you’d like as long as you do not feel insecure about nosey relatives talking about who this and that is on your next family gathering with your immediate family folks. Sometimes having pride in that partner can take time to be established. Honestly time can change a lot of things. Let’s say your partner was pretty rich and well established and very high and well known. You’d be proud to have them on your arm right? Well let’s say out of nowhere, the next day, they no longer carry that materialistic reputation of money because they just got bankrupt somehow and now your lifestyle has to change because you live with them. You can’t go to the spa as often as you did. You can’t go galas, fashion shows, small get together parties with high status people, nor do very luxurious lavish events you once attended. What a shallow way of thinking that materialism is what makes you to be proud of your partner..but anyways, would you feel shame for being with that partner now things have taken a downfall? Or would you still feel pride in being with him/her because he/she is a good person? Arguments, conflicts etc. ensue. If it really was love, you would not care thick or thin of what your person had. You would be although proud if and when she/he had their time to bounce back to some kind of middle ground after losing it all. Your pride needs to be left at the door.

In love, you need to be open to the challenges. You need to be open to the experiences. You have to have the trust that your partner can catch you when you fall. When it comes to relationships, the walls are thinned down and vulnerability is shown. It’s just between you and the other person. Once and a while when things have turned for the worst, you ask friends and family advice but it also depends on who you speak with and trust. Also these people’s experiences is key. You would probably trust a person who is older that has had more than 3 or 4 long term relationships than someone who has had 3 or 4 short term ones. Also, a younger person is still maturing in age and is still trying to find their place in the world and in need of guidance more than you asking him/her for help. Sometimes people have intent to destroy one’s relationship. I remember a few people who I confided my troubles to and it wasn’t for the best. One girl had feelings for one of my boyfriends and talked badly about me to him at some point when I wasn’t around. Another had feelings as well for some guy I had picked interest in and she moved on forward to pursue him. It’s scary how humans can be such, but it is where you learn lessons…Your relationship should not be affected by other people and their opinions. They are not the ones in your relationship as well they do not know the full and whole story. They as well do not have the emotions when you were in the relationship itself. If you love that person, you wouldn’t care what others think overall about it. You know your partner better than anyone. It’s quite sad when other’s opinions can overshadow one’s belief in a relationship. This is possibly a case scenario time where one loses pride in their partner because of others.

When it comes to fights in relationships, pride for sure can be a problem. Like I’m right, you’re wrong. There can be times to agree to disagree or compromise. When it comes to one person thinking I’m right all the time and you’re always wrong. Their pride is too strong and the other person could possibly feel insecure, dissatisfied, unhappy, and just want to wallow in the corner and not deal with the other. It can even be some form of abuse when it gets to that point. You never know. I would say pride can really destroy relationships. I guess it depends on how you use it. But as I reiterate, one’s pride should just be left at the door.

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