The instability of one’s own mind is a scary thing. You are not able to distinguish if you are thinking in a coherent stable mind or you might not even remember what actions or behaviors you’ve taken within the real world. I had one such ex that I trusted he would do the right things…but his actions and demeanor said otherwise…
He had to survive in this world since he was born. He said his parents didn’t treat him right when growing up. His home was turned into a tenement/boarding home where random strangers would live there and share living spaces like the kitchens and bathrooms. It was a three story house so it was big enough for other people to live.
He told me once that he had no room or place to sleep in the house so he slept on one of the stairs in the house maybe pretending to be a corpse so no one would bother him…how creepy…
Anyways he lived in a tough neighborhood I guess. He always carried a knife like any other guy for defense but there was a couple of times a Spanish gang was tracking him around the neighborhood and would go at him anytime he was open and vulnerable. He told me that he had to fought them off a couple times. But there was this one time he was bleeding…Bleeding as if he didn’t notice. He told me he just nonchalantly walked into the hospital Emergency room closeby his house with a knife in his abdomen… I’m like…you were bleeding in the Emergency room with blood seeping out and waiting for your turn?… He was like yeah, not like they care any better…
So I guess where this is going is, he was there and not all there. I was pretty okay with life. I was in college and living in my dorm for college at the time while he lived at home still. He was going to school as an EMT and was having a hard time getting his mind straight. He told me he got some medication from his pharmacy friend to help with the pain of life he was going through. With that…he became to act strange I guess. Some nights he would call me like he wasn’t himself. He sounded hysterical. Another time he would sound sad. Other times he would be so so happy to talk to me. I wasn’t so aware of it since I was concentrating on school.
Then there was this one time where I was not sure how I should handle it… His mom and siblings were in the other room staying over. His parents were divorced and his siblings lived with their mother. His mother and his siblings were there to visit.. From what he told me, she mistreated him the most when he was a kid. He hated her with the utmost hate. She beat him up as a child and he beat her back…That one time where they stayed over..he kept repeating over and over and over how he hated his mother and wanted to kill her. It became scary and intensified when he went to the corner of the room..and he had a chef’s knife in hand. I was like no! I took and grabbed his hand and and said no! You can’t do this! What are you saying?! Stop!!! Then I started to cry saying you can’t do that.
A murderous intent is a scary one…I thought of his siblings as good children. They were good people…They were so young that they didn’t live enough of life to experience more of it yet. His mother was changing her life around and didn’t think one ounce of my then boyfriend…
He was so confused with my reaction and said, it’s ok. I’m here. Nothing is wrong.
I was extremely scared. My insides were shaken. My shell of a vessel felt empty…and I felt extremely disappointed. I wanted to leave that same night but it was a bad neighborhood. I couldn’t just get out and go… So I waited until morning until I left. I was thinking what has got into him? What the hell was all of that? His behavior was getting weird that I couldn’t do it anymore…
Then he said it all with one thing when we were in his car. It’s always in the car we had our fights, our serious talks, our arguments. I hated his car. He said the medication his pharmacist friend gave him were all kinds of different drugs. Not for one thing. It was for depression. It is was for if you were bipolar. It was all kinds of whatever kind of drugs his friend can fill that fucking orange pill bottle. I was mad. I was unforgiving. I was like hell no. All of what he said will be a fucking lie from then on I would say.. By being under the influence of all the random shit drugs he took, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take it when he said he will detox and did detox. I couldn’t take it when he was clean from it. I couldn’t take it when this or that, or this or that, or this or that. I was done in my head. I was done in my heart.
I should have left him. I should have done it. But I wasn’t so all there either. I was passive. I was insecure. During that time, my life was confusing and I just hadn’t thought about what about it and if at all. If I could , if I would, I should have left him… A murderous intent would be a sign and a red flag to just go. But what is it about humans that make them feel and say those things? It’s much deeper than that…All and all, if someone said they wanted to do such that to another human being, my foot is heading the other way and through the door. It’s not worth your life to lose. Even when it just started…
Cherished Memoir 