This video, Sleep on the Floor by the Lumineers depicts a similar situation I was in with a previous boyfriend. Other than the funeral scene and going into a taxi, there was a chance we were to runaway and drive cross country and not look back. We would leave everything and everyone behind and be nomads. Well that’s what I thought and I’m sure he was serious because that’s how he was… He was a serious person and made things happen but I couldn’t let him do a career suicide. He worked a good job within a good company and me telling him yes let’s go… It would have made me think in the back of my mind, what could have been if we stayed…
But we did stay…
It was a bad time for us. It was Chicago. It was cold. He had a job and I was in search for what was next in life. There was a lot of pressure on his side. I don’t think he could take it anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was just bad. We fought, we argued. We had silent conversations in the same room. I did what I did but it was a bore. It was so aggravating. I don’t remember how it exactly came about but he asked if we should do it. If we should take that chance and just get up and go. If I wanted to do it…I think it was all up to me like usual to make that decision… It was just to be gone, get away from everyone and everything.
I wanted to take it. I wanted to take that risk so bad.
But what would life be if we kept moving around and what would we do about money? I was too afraid of that chance. It didn’t sound realistic. I didn’t sound practical. It didn’t sound comfortable or sound…It was too idealistic. What would happen if his parents came back to us and questioned what the hell we were doing? It probably would be blamed on me. Hey Jackie? What if we left everything, everyone behind and just buy a car and go about wherever we wanted. We would just drive and go wherever. How nice…
Don’t get me wrong but Chicago wasn’t for us. There was silent racism to us both and it was just too cold to go to many places. An incident happened at his work with someone posting an article in their lunch room talking about h1b visa immigrants taking American jobs. People bowed to us one time in the elevator saying welcome to America since we were both asian. At my job during that time, certain customers would ignore me when I tried to be friendly with them. And it just was just so cold, so sad, so angry to be there…Also, the sales tax and taxes were one of the highest in the country. We didn’t know how to cope. It was driving us insane. But you know running away from it all would have been nice.
One day I would say, I will go cross country and will go wherever I want to go with my love. But it would have to be a time where we both feel comfortable to just get up and go. It would have to have pragmatism to it. It would’ve been nice. It would be nice…but in the end, where would we be if we had gone? How would have our relationship been in the end? I’ll never know but it’s alright. Someday would be the answer…yes?
Cherished Memoir 